“My legs ache, my heart is sore
The well is full of pennies”
Tom Waits – The Fall of Troy
I think I’m alone now. There doesn’t seem to be anyone around. No, I’m pretty sure my wife did indeed board a plane to an ashram in the middle of a forrest in India on Friday morning and I haven’t seen her since. Every day now I wake up with this in my head:
There is no one to tell me to go to bed so I stay up till I hear the people downstairs opening the shop. On Friday I got into the shower with half of my clothes on for no good reason, then that night I went to my friend Dave’s birthday party and got so drunk I couldn’t get out of bed until it got dark on Saturday. I also got food poisoning (although Littles reckons it’s a stomach cold). Last night I cut my head open banging it into a ceiling beam in the attic and there was no one around to kiss it better. I didn’t update any of my social networks for 36 hours and people started texting to see if I was still alive.
Yes, I could paint a pretty tragic picture of my life alone. But that is only one side of the story. I have also written two songs since Friday, and done a lot of valuable research for ATD27, and watched Robocop 1 and 2 – reminding myself of the greatness of the first and the hysterical awfulness of the second – and read Frank Miller’s original script for Robocop 2, or as close to Frank’s script as one can get, that being the Avatar comics released official comics adaption of Frank Miller’s original Robocop 2 script. Turns out that, while Frank Miller claimed they’d ruined his script and that’s why Robocop 2 was shit, the shittest bits of Robocop 2 are all present in Frank Miller’ script, and the only bits that made it bearable are not… and that Frank Miller’s original Robocop 2 script was batshit crazy and incredibly misogynist in a way that makes his All Star Batman & Robin comic look like The Dark Knight Returns.
Here for your edutainment, is a panel in which Robocop pimp slaps the female psychiatrist character you may remember form the movie into some kind of panely-machine, before setting her face on fire and locking her in a burning laboratory, quipping, “have a nice day,” on his way out.
She then uploads her personality into the Robocop 2 robot that features in the movie, so the final battle is between Robocop and a great big godzilla robot with this female psychiatrist turbo-bitch character’s personality in it, saying textbook shit like, “we need to dialogue” and something about “relating”, to which Robocop replies “relate to this!” and shoots her arm off. The thing finishes with a ridonculously scantily clad and over-sexed Officer Lewis – an hilariously Miller-typical take on Robocop’s partner in the movies – shooting the evil bitch monster’s arm off, before Robocop, who was grieving fo the loss of his wife half an hour ago, goes in for the mechanical snog.
Meanwhile, in the “real world”:
Ah ha ha ha!
So, yeah, I’ve done loads of useful stuff. I also went to an exhibition of recreations of ancient Egyptian artwork, and I found £50 (fifty) pounds in an envelope in the middle of a pile of old printouts and doodled upon paper. Yeah, I am survinging just about OK without my beautiful wife. I even had a big bag of organic fruits and vegitables delivered. See!
I have to admit though, I have no idea what they all are. A few have me very stumped, although much deliberation has lead to the suspicion one may be a beetroot and one might be a red cabbage. No idea what that thing top left is though.
As for my beautiful wife, it is 14:34 right now, and she is 5 hours ahead, which means it’s 19:34 for her right now so she, according to her terrifying itinerary, is meditating, or chanting, or listening to a lecture.
Here, for your edutainment, is that itinerary:
- 5:30 am: Wake up
- 6:00 am: Satsang (Meditation, chanting, lecture)
- 8:00 am: Asanas
- 9:00 am: Anatomy and physiology
- 10:00 am: Breakfast
- 11:00 am: Karma Yoga (helping out with chores)
- 12:00 pm: Bhagavad Gita or Kirtan
- 2:00 pm: Main lecture in philosophy or anatomy
- 4:00 pm: Asanas and pranayama
- 6:00 pm: Dinner
- 7:30 pm: Satsang (Meditation, chanting, lecture)
- 10:00 pm: Lights out
She’s doing this for a month you know. A month!
Holy Batfink Jesus On A Skateboard Christ preserve us all. And RIP Whitney, you beautiful voiced creature. You are with Serge now. Party on, dudes.