From The Onion:
WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything. Just fuck it all to hell.
All of it, sources added.
“I’m sorry, but fuck it, I can’t handle this—I just can’t handle it anymore,” said Deborah McEllis, who added that “no, no, no, no, no, this isn’t happening, this can’t be real.” “Seriously, what the hell is this? What’s even going on anymore? Why do things like this keep happening?”
Continued McEllis, before covering her face with her hands, “Why?”
Despairing sources confirmed that the gunman, armed with a semiautomatic assault rifle—a fucking combat rifle, Jesus—walked into a classroom full of goddamned children where his mother was a teacher and, good God, if this is what the world is becoming, then how about we just pack it in and fucking give up, because this is no way to live.
I mean, honestly, all 315 million Americans confirmed.
“Well, I suppose we have to try to pick up the pieces and make some sort of sense of this tragedy and—you know what? Fuck it, I can’t do this,” said Connecticut resident Michael Zaleski, his remarks understandable given the circumstances, because, holy shit, what else can one say? “I’m sorry, but I can’t fucking do this. Can you? Can anyone?”
Witnesses said the gunman fired at least 100 rounds during his deadly rampage, which, according to children in the school—goddamnit, how? How? Twenty children. Dead. In a fucking school.
No. No, no, no.
“I just feel so [why does it even matter what this person said when no words can bring 20 dead kids back to life?]” said some person who, just like everyone else, is completely unable to process or handle any of this. “It’s awful. Just too awful to bear.”
Americans reported feelings of overwhelming disgust with whatever abhorrent bastard did this and with the world at large for ever allowing it to happen, as well as with politicians, with the NRA, and above all with their own pathetic goddamn selves, sitting in front of a fucking computer instead of doing fucking anything to help anyone—Christ, as if that were even fucking possible, as if anyone could change what happened, as if the same fucking bullshit isn’t going to keep happening again and again and fucking again before people finally decide it’s time to change the way we live, so what’s the point? What the hell is the goddamned point?
“I…” said Tom Miller, 27, after reading an article about the tragedy online. “I just…”
“…” he added.
At press time…screw it, there’s nothing else to say.
That man who sings the novelty pop song “Gangnam Style” has issued a full and frank apology according to The Daily Dot:
“As a proud South Korean who was educated in the United States and lived there for a very significant part of my life, I understand the sacrifices American servicemen and women have made to protect freedom and democracy in my country and around the world. The song I featured on in question from eight years ago –- was part of a deeply emotional reaction to the war in Iraq and the killing of two Korean schoolgirls that was part of the overall antiwar sentiment shared by others around the world at that time.”
Perhaps I should have made this more clear. He’s not yet apologised for his song, “Gangnam style”. Instead he’s crapping his pants over a song he sang years ago demanding people murder the “f–king Yankees”. Apparently not all publicity is good publicity and his CV was starting to look a bit dodgy now it has been revealed he once sung these lyrics:
Kill those f–king Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives
Kill those f–king Yankees who ordered them to torture
Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law, and fathers
Kill them all slowly and painfully
(Again from The Daily Dot)
The track itself is here:
I don’t speak Korean but the tune itself sounds pretty siiick to me. His apology continues:
“While I’m grateful for the freedom to express one’s self, I’ve learned there are limits to what language is appropriate and I’m deeply sorry for how these lyrics could be interpreted. I will forever be sorry for any pain I have caused by those words.
“I have been honored to perform in front of American soldiers in recent months -– including an appearance on the Jay Leno show specifically for them — and I hope they and all Americans can accept my apology. While it’s important that we express our opinions, I deeply regret the inflammatory and inappropriate language I used to do so. In my music, I try to give people a release, a reason to smile. I have learned that thru music, our universal language we can all come together as a culture of humanity and I hope that you will accept my apology.”
The 34-year-old rapper says the protests were part of a “deeply emotional” reaction to the war and the death of two Korean school girls, who were killed when a U.S. military vehicle hit them as they walked alongside the road. He noted anti-war sentiment was high around the world at the time.
Fortunately his anti-American sentiment appears to have calmed since people started paying him lots of money to sing harmless novelty pop songs instead. Gangnam style indeed!
 This is intended as a compliment. I actually like the dense sound of this tune even if the translated and decontextualised lyrics appear a bit moronic.
Oh man, this is so beautiful. Lady is very upset that Bam Bam won the American selection and people don’t like her videos and share them on Facebook.
“CIGARETTES, MY BEER AND MY GODDAMN BUTTERSCOTCH SCHNAPS. MWAH MWAH MWAH. EAT ME.”
Oh HAI, I’ve been building a wardrobe with my Mum and Keith for us to put our things in so the baby can romp around with impunity. Hell, the thing even has a section for the hanging up of baby clothes. HOW DOPE IS THAT?
Very dope. Very real. Very gritty, real life shit. Dark Knight Returns shit.
NINE WEEKS TILL THERE IS A BABY!
So for the longest time I’ve been saying there is no way in hell Obama won’t get back in. It dawned on me last week that there are systems set in place in our society where a man can make money off of his certainty in such arenas. So I investigated, and discovered if I wagered a grand on Bam Bam I’d get £500. Not amazing, but not to be sniffed at. £500 buys a lot of nappies. So I signed up with a betting website, and prepared to wager £1000 on Bam Bam winning the American Prezzie lection. THEN! RIGHT AS I PRESSED THE BUTTON! I was informed the odds had changed. I would now only win £200. Was it worth risking the possibility of GOP election rigging for £200?
It seemed not. So I put some money on Bill Murray reporting his role as Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters 3 instead. If I win I get £196! I would have put a grand on, had they let me, but the maximum bet was £28. Canny sods.
Meanwhile, following recent proclamations of ownership of my work from the likes of EMI and Universal, bogus claims for my works continue to flood my inbox. Most recently this outrage:
So, I spent ten precious minutes if my life filling in some forms expressing my outrage, and assuring my owenership of the record and music video, Hypocrite, and fired off a few Narky tweets. Happily this resulted in a satisfying conclusion within 24 hours.
The fault of all this fuckery is, apparently:
I fear the next holocaust will be blamed on algorithms. Which I just noticed as a word is basically Al Gore Rythms. And we can all imagine how unfunky those are.