Your host is Jonathan Ross, the UK’s most famous comics fan, and best paid TV and radio presenter, currently on a six month suspension from the BBC for swearing at Fawlty Tower’s Manuel on an answerphone. You think I’m making this up.
We join the ceremony as everyone has settled down, drinks and drugs are flowing, and the awards have begin.
This year’s rumour awards are sponsored by “Watchmensch.” Please ask your local comics retailer to order a copy from the current Previews, page 244 from Brain Scan, even if it’s only out of curiosity.
ROSS: What a year it’s been ladies and gentlemen, what a year it’s been. Especially for comics and films. When Mark Millar’s “Wanted” beat Marvel’s “Hulk” at the box office, when “Iron Man” showed us that you didn’t need to be faithful to the comic as long as you were funny. And where Fwank Miller showed us that all you needed to succeed was to not be shit. Hence the box office figures this week. Sowwy Fwank.
The first awawd is for TWATTISH DECISION OF THE YEAR. Only comics I’m afwaid, nominating Sawah Palin, expecting Amy Winehouse to perform in a competent manner or sweawing at a national tweasure live on the wadio doesn’t count. Sadly.
To pwesent the award, Wob Liefeld, who once turned down selling a small fraction of his comics company to New Line Cinema for ten million dollars or all of it to Acclaim for thirty million, when today you could pick it up for the price of summer crossover.
ROB: Thank you Jonathan. And what did the BBC suspension cost you?
ROSS: Not quite two million pounds.
ROB: Well then. And what a year for twattish decisions it’s been, and I don’t mean Image not making me a partner again.
The nominations are… Marvel and DC both nixing plans to bring the perfectionist pirate archivists in house, instead letting them continue to create pixel perfect illegal digital comics for free, every week. Marvel for comic shop sales on Spider-Man titles finally sliding
below pre-”Brand New Day” sales. The Dabel Brothers for delaying payments to creators, allowing Marvel to exercise a clause to gain all Dabel’s hard-fought license rights, instantly. DC for withdrawing and pulping a copy of “Action Comics” because it was unclear whether Clark was drinking a bottle of beer or root beer – when the most recent movie had seen Superman chugging with Jimmy Olsen – and then replacing it with the shittiest designed Soda Pop label in existence. And Marvel again for initially making all their digital comics instantly accessible without subscription, including all different layers, by simple manipulation of the URL.
And the winner is… DC Comics for the Root Beer Debacle! So much cost for so little gain!
ROSS: Sadly Paul Levitz could not be here as he is cuwwently getting dwunk in a bar. On soda pop. Thank you Wob! Next up… the TURNING DOWN THE BEATLES AWARD. Who wejected or dismissed the very thing that could have brought them fortune? To pwesent the award is a pewsonal fwiend, Joe Quesada, who tuwned down the chance for Marvel to publish Twansformers comics, before Pat Lee would make it the best selling comic in the industry for many months…
Read the rest here. It’s a masterwork.