Ho ho ho.
Truth be told, I have never voted Labour, or anyone else either. I refuse to legitimise this farcical circus of nincompoops. I also have had debt collectors up my ass since I was 17, so I don’t like to be on the electoral roll.
This one time, I was working for some totally bogus company called Calortex (“it’s Calor gas and Texaco, two brands you can trust!”) convincing people to swap their gas supplier, and me and this lad I was tag-teaming round Birmingham with conned a whole street full of old ladies into doing it, and figured we deserved the afternoon off, so we went to the pub and got mashup, then this lad convinced me to get a store card from Top Man and blow the £400 card limit. Which I did. I wasn’t even a Topman sort of a dude – I was rocking PVC trousers and fluorescent orange goggles in those days, but I still managed to drunkenly blow £400 in a matter of minutes. I got a great big camouflage print bubble jacket. I think I got my mean white top from there too. You know – the mean white top wot zipped to my left shoulder blade:
Yeah, I miss that mean white top. And, true talk, I felt like I’d just got paid that day. HEY! But as it was, all those old ladies we thought we’d convinced to switch from British gas to Calortex sent back their contracts with covering letters accusing us of LYING about how much money they were gonna save, just like we’d been taught to, and our wages got docked, which totally screwed up my repayment plan. I quit soon after that and moved to London, where I avoided all letters that came in buff brown envelopes, and got an administration gig at a book PR, where I overheard intense conversations between my boss and Mohamed al Fayed about the royal family’s homicidal tendencies. But that’s another story.
I should make a list of these stories. In case you weren’t tuned into last week’s Doncast, I have deduced that a comic strip a day is too tall an order even for a superhero like me, so one a week is gonna have to do. And that worked out pretty well this week – I got to put a lot more time into my Death’s Head strip than all those that preceded it, and it’s been linked all over the place. Why, it showed up on Robot 6 tonight! I’ll have you know that getting on Robot 6 was one of my GOALS this year! BLAOW!
I did a really good impression of an air-horn when I saw that. I might show it you on Wednesday, when The All New Weekly Doncast happens. 5pm GMT! If it’s anything like last week, it’ll be awesome! You better axe somebody!
I used to think that’s what the young Snoop Doggy Dogg kid said in that skit on Doggystyle. “Axe somebody.” Rah, I thought to myself, lil’ kids is raw out in LA! In my school the worst that happened was a teacher got stabbed. And you know what? That’s pretty bad. If that happened now, there’d be a load of outrage in the papers about how effed the effed up this new generation is. Well sod that brothers and sisters. My generation was some raw ass monkeys. I remember when I was in primary school Simon Waskiewicz (yeah, there was two of us in that class of 16 in that lil Welsh village with crazy Polish surnames) wiled out and threw a whole damn table at Miss Roberts. That dude was crazy, because Miss Roberts was the scariest person in the world as far as I could tell. She used to make me feel sick just looking at me. Everyone used to say she had evil powers because she never got married and she was a virgin, but none of us really knew what being a virgin entailed at that point. We thought erections were for pissing through letterboxes with.
Sheee-it. What a waste of a story. I could have turned that into a comic. Look at me, dropping gems like a butterfingered watchmaker! Shout out Curren$y for that one. I am gonna leave you with a photo of my new clock. CLOCK, I said! I got three of these. I bought them for a pound each from the Poundland in Stratford that used to be Woolies, and stuck pictures of rappers in them. They’re for telling the time in different parts of the world. This one’s set to New York. I got the picture from The Gangsta Rap Coloring Book. I got two copies of that thing. Martin Carr got me one for my birthday the other year, then my Dad got me one for Christmas. Thanks, dudes! See how you make my life better!