Nice Trainspotty poster, huh? That up there is the thing wot I have been learning lines for. It is a very funny TV pilot about the horrors of the Real Life Music Industry, called Access All Areas. It is wonderfully observed – I recognise every character in it. I now know all my lines, but shall likely fudge at least one, as apparenty Mercury is doing something weird and making the lives of people who’s birthdays lie on the fifteenth, sixteenth, and seventeenth very difficult.
Take this New York trip. So, I did something wonderful for the galaxy, and set up a piano battle between Chilly “Fuckeye” Gonzales and Andrew “Don’t Call Me Andy” W.K.. I wished that I could go, but I didn’t even have enough money to pay my rent, so I had no idea how it could happen. Then Gonzales sent me an email:
I’m getting you a flight. I woke up this morning like “Akira must be there:.
I was right. You have to be there.
And oh, I did leap for joy! Oh, how happy was I! How grateful! How excited! And in my excitement, I didn’t notice when the outbound flight was booked for Thursday afternoon that I already had a commitment – indeed, the above pilot, no less – on Thursday evening.
Oh, how sick did I feel when I realised that (on Sunday afternoon, just as we wrapped filming the iANDY Zombie Film, natch). The bottom fell out of my belly. For Air Kenya (YES!) would not, and could not rearrange the flights. What was I to do?
I gnashed my teeth, I punched my door, and I searched my heart.
Then I phoned my bank, and begged for a loan.
Yeah! I know!
And they gave me one!
Which was lucky, as I also needed a new passport, since mine had been in the washing machine (and I remembered Music Like Dirt’s tale of woe from SXSW), and do you know how much it costs to get a passport these days? £130. Yeah!
So I bought a new passport, and another flight to New York.
I was excited again.
Then, yesterday, I was hit with another of The Great Skygod’s custard pies.
I discovered (thanks to the wisdom of my great friend BJ) that, as I won’t be on the original outbound Thursday flight, I will not be allowed on the return flight.
Serious! They do that!
Oh, I was outraged on the phone. Oh, I pleaded.
Something inside, so strong, nearly died.
I had two options – let down all the lovely people involved in AAA, or buy a new flight, and flirt with eviction.
What did the man say?
Never Let Down.
So I bought another flight, back to the UK.
I am hilarious.
I am inept.
And I am in a Great Debt.
But I am going to New York.
I will be there from Friday to Sunday.
IT’S GONNA BE SO WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and if anyone wants to book me for something while I’m out there, get in touch.