<
August 2007
Friday, August 31st, 2007

First off, we all knew it was happening, but now we got proof – the CIA have been altering people’s Wikipedia entries. Hoooooooooooooooooo!

Basically, some clever fucker called Virgil Griffith has sussed out some clevergeek code shit, and we can now see who edited what on Wikipedia. Which is great. You could never see who edited what in, say The Encyclopedia Britannica. Don’t mean they never. No sir.

Anyway!

As I was saying. The CIA have been caught messing with the Iranian president’s page and Hugo Chavez’s amongst others. The Vatican have been messing with Gerry Adams’ page and “massaged” entries on several Catholic Saints. Someone from a Israeli Government IP Address deleted the entire Wiki entry on the Segregation Wall in the West Bank, and switched it with a paranoid rant against the International Court of Justice’s Ruling Regarding the Wall. The Israeli Embassy have been disappearing dead Palestinians. The list goes on!

Whatever figga. Pay attention. That’s all.

So.

Marvel Comics, the fools, don’t have the balls to publish Peter Bagge’s “The Incorrigible Hulk” (see above). What dicks! Look how ill that thing looks! Check a page from it here. Sample quote “slutty girl not afraid of Hulk?” HAHAHAHA!

So, I have fully failed to bring you another letters column since March, which has left me with hundreds of unanswered letters in a folder called “letters”. Kinda sucks. So, what i am going to do, right now, is answer three that just came in. Here. Now. Ya diiig?

Hey
I’m pissed. my 17 yr. old sister attacked me because I needed a phone number from her phone. can you give me advice on how to handle my douchebox sibling?
p.s. I hope you tour in Tennessee sooner or later. it’s hell to have only country music up in here…

Piemaster, 14
SPRING HILL, Tennessee

Hey Piemaster. Neat new name. Sorry to hear about your troubles. Are we talking physical attack here, or mental? And how did you go about trying to get the number? Did you Invade Her Privacy? Never invade a woman’s privacy. They will have your BALLS, dude. Girls are hardcore. I suggest killing her with kindness. Be super smiley and nice to her. It will freak her out, and she will be giving you all the numbers in the world in no time at all.

Wow. Douchebox. Doss of the WEEK!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=786048453686176230

and check out

www.infowars.com

if you havn’t yet

keep it blazing!

Donovan H

Cheers Donovan! I was listening to Mister Jones this afternoon actually, for the first time in ages. I like him. He’s like Bill Hicks, if Bill Hicks wasn’t all that funny and believed in God. Terrorstorm is a very good film. Matt Bellamy likes it too, and everybody knows Matt Bellamy has good taste in documentaries.

Howdy,

What Cribs remix are you doing? And have you done any in the past? I’ve been loving their 3rd album, wish I’d got into them sooner. Dunno if you’ve heard it but the CSS remix of Mens Needs is wicked.

Jon Barker

It was for Our Bovine Public. Or of Our Bovine Public. However you wanna say it. Dunno what’s happening with it. I did one for The Crimea too, on which I rapped in Welsh! You’ll like that. I might play them on next week’s podcast (yeah, that’s what i said).


Hey Akira!

You have been my favorite artist ever since I heard “Living in the Future” about 2 years ago. I own all your crap too! Anyway just writing to say I live in California right outside San Francisco (about 30 minutes drive) and you’re welcome to come stay at my house anytime you want to. It’s a nice house and I have an extra bedroom! Seriously I can’t thank you enough for making music, finally something to listen to! Maybe I’m just a pansy, but I love all your “happy” songs like “Drinking Song” “Oh, what a Glorious Thing!” “Living in the Future” and the rest too. Hell I watched “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” just to hear your song! Anyway no joke hit me up next time you’re in California!

Your Friend,
Sleek Mouse

Damn Sleek, you make a fine offer! Me and my fine-ass girl will be coming through Cali sometime sooner-than-death… maybe we’ll look you up. Anyway. Liking happy songs is pretty normal. You must be well adjusted. I applaud you. I’ve written a whole bunch of happy songs for my new album recently. Mainly because i have been feeling happy. WHOO! STUFF! RAH!

Akira you are not a Don you are a Liar when i see you I’m a spit in your face and out it on Youtube so all your lame ass fans can see what a fucking douche you are.

gloryhole473″

OK, that’s enough of YOU!

— Friday, August 31st, 2007

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

Are coming…

— Thursday, August 30th, 2007

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

OK, you go listen to this sampler of 50s new album, and tell me what that bunch of South Welsh scrotes are doing at the beginning? Has 50 been bumping GLC? Am I in the middle of a very Weird dream again?

(This morning I was dreaming I was in some bar with Bashy, and we had no money, but he had really violent minature-hurricane superpowers, and kept smashing opne the bottles of spirits behind the bar. But he wouldnlt stal us a drink. he’d just spaz out every five minutes. I was thirsty an’ all.)

My internet is BACK! By the way. It is ace. I missed it. I will miss it when it goes for good. But hell. So what? Nothing lasts forever.

OR SO THEY SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes.

— Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

Tuesday, August 28th, 2007

From Thesvenhunter

Myths of Creation # 2

PRESS RELEASE

Ex-Goatherders keyboardist to release solo album

We can reveal that Thesvenhunter (of Pydos in Spydos, and previously of The Goatherders, A Noizy Mess Zcraped (From the gutter), and Cracked Enamel) is almost ready to release his debut solo album.

Unknown (possibly trademark-infringing) label, Dental Records, will proudly release the album on 1st December, 2007 in limited edition 32X CD-R with hp inkjet-printed covers designed by Glaswegian Formal Constructivist, Jon Prior.

“It’s been a f***ing long time coming,” slurred Thesvenhunter, when we finally managed to get through to him at 2:45 p.m. earlier today:

“Those c***s from The Goatherders have tried their best at every turn to thwart me on this one. They ran off with the first demos and had them packed into suitcases and exploded off the (World Heritage) Jurassic coast in Dorset. B******s. After all I did for them. Anyway, that’s all in the past. If you believe time is linear, which (obviously) I don’t. Sh*t.”

The forthcoming album has been hotly anticipated by the scene (whatever that is) in England, particularly in Chiswick, where there have been unconfirmed reports of stabbings in the rather presumptuous queues outside the record shops. Said queues have been made all the more presumptuous by Thesvenhunter’s insistence that the album will only be made available by order from his personal website, which he hasn’t updated for almost two years:

“Yeah, f*** all that corporate t*******. Anyone who lets a ‘shop’ ‘sell’ their ‘record’ is obviously a z******. Basically, I’m decapitating the middle man, and his wife and kids. And dog. This is the way forward for musicians and soon everyone will realise that I am basically like the Jesus and/or Julian Cope of my era.”

An unconfirmed track list has been revealed to us by Thesvenhunter, and it reads like this:

1) Smell memory (2007)
2) My unlucky pants
3) My magic wand
4) Camel Riders
5) Who would win out of colossal squid Vs. estuarine crocodile?
6) Better off alone
7) At least a silver rule
8) Suck the poison from my penis
9) Overdose on your sofa
10) Got to give it up
11) An honest lament / Venezuela
12) Dead babies
13) Bravo Juliette
14) Nemo
14) You went to Prague

Early reviews on leaked demos go as follows:

“These are the worst songs I’ve ever heard.”
– Paul Evans, critic.

“Has the same chords all the way through.”
– Robert Evans, musician.

“Batshit horrible.”
– Akira The Don, musician.

We have been told to expect the unexpected, and that this album will quite probably reinvent (or even misunderstand) what is currently understood to be ‘music’ and/or ‘a saleable product’. Thesvenhunter’s own manifesto for this album was:

“To create something of the upmost (sic) joy and sinceritty (sic), whilst also totally f***ing up the cistern (sic?).”

Thesvenhunter’s manager, known only as ‘The F***ing Man’ (whether this nickname is derogatory or complimentary is unclear) assures us that we will be blown away by the album, come December:

“Obviously I haven’t heard it,”

he said in a bad Scottish accent, suspiciously quickly after being called in from the next room by Thesvenhunter,

“But the little q****** has been in that room for weeks so he must have been doing something, och? Sometimes I walk past and it sounds like Dragonforce, sometimes Phil Ochs, sometimes Patrick Wolf. Unless he’s just listening to I-Tunes in there, it promises to be pretty diverse! Och!”

Inquiries should be directed to Thesvenhunter’s management at

E-mail: thesvenhunter at gmail.com

Notes to editors

Thesvenhunter is a non-profit entity despite continued efforts. Do not approach Thesvenhunter without a good excuse. Flammable. Contains nuts.

-Ends-

— Tuesday, August 28th, 2007

Tuesday, August 28th, 2007

I might be inviting ridicule here, but Oasis were still making fucking brillaint B-Sides even when they were doing battle with Blur. Rockin’ Chair, off the back of Roll With It, is fucking ace.

— Tuesday, August 28th, 2007

Monday, August 27th, 2007

The sun came back to London for one last weekend, and we were glad. Myself and some friends took it upon ourselves to play badminton in Clissold park, and I got bitten by a lot of hungry bugs. It makes me sad to be indoors sorting out my life when the sun shines, so rare a thing it is around these parts.

Anyway. We saw Prince on Friday. That was very inspiring indeed. He said it himself, and he wasn’t lying – Prince has too many hits. What a brilliant performer! What a master of melody! From Alphabet Street to Diamonds And Pearls, all awesome. He didn’t even play any new material. What a G.

I have a budget of £2.50 a day this week, which will be fun. Stupid VAT bills. Good job I quit smoking eh? Ryvita is pretty cheap.

So, Charlotte and I have two episodes of Dexter left to watch, which is both sad and exciting, as it just got brilliant, and I, for one, don’t want it to end. But I do want to see what happens. Stupid creepy doll guy. Not having a TV in the house and only watching things that cool people like Colin McCracken have given you on DVDrs or you’ve downloaded of the internet is totally awesome.

— Monday, August 27th, 2007