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May 2007
Thursday, May 31st, 2007

Today we offer you a comprehensive guide to your new best (only?) friends: The original line-up of Big Brother 2007 contestants, stripped naked, nude, steamy and possibly asian before your eyes. And if that sentence didn’t make sense, I was just wondering how far my stats would go up if I said steamy nude naked asian Big Brother 2007 in the same sentence. Probably not at all, because I forgot to capitalise ‘Asian’. Well, it’s an adjective isn’t it?

So opens The Svenhunter’s Big Brother 2007 blog. The only one you’ll need. Not that you need one.

NB – Big Brother is a television programme set in a fictional Britain used for the purposes of making people stupider. I know this, despite not having a television, because the powers that Be carpet bomb London with two equally shit “free” “newspapers” every day so you have to read them on the bus if you left your book in PlayLouder’s offices like I did.

ANYWAY.

Zef, another of my talented brothers, has made a thing he calls A Brief History of Audio Format Developments. It is amazing. A bit of it you can see above, unless you have some kind of problem.

In other news, my when I stop pedalling my bike the chain hangs loose and nearly makes me die, and I got a bit drunk in the daytime today filming a video with Lethal Bizzle and his Fire Camp chums. The video will be online within the week.

Oh, we’re filming the video for Babylon’s Burning The Ghetto on Saturday in a secret location in London. We will be setting fire to things and having a riot (in the literal sense, not in the gay sense they say at office parties or whatever). If you wanna come and break stuff, get in touch, and attach a photo cos the director (he did Simian Mobile Disco’s last flick) wants to perv at them.

— Thursday, May 31st, 2007

Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

lethal B’s filming a video tomorrow. He’s filming 2 videos this week. MADMAN.

Anyway, video 2 is for Babylon’s Burning Down The Ghetto, which I produced and sing relatively not-that-badly on. We’re gonna destroy an estate in the video. AHAHAHAHAHA! That will be fun.

Video 1 is being filmed between 12p and 3pm in Shoreditch tomorrow, and is a YouTube video for his cover of House Of Pain’s Jump. If you wanna come, mail me isn’t it.

And if you wanna hear those tunes I mentioned, check the boy’s MySpace.

— Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

Yesterday, about 1ish I think, I wished I had a bike.

“I wish I had a bike,” I wished, in my head. I did it with my brain, and words, inside my brain, not just blurry images like sometimes happens, or random acts of pornographic violence. Oh no not at all!

I wished for a bike.

And God said to me, “AK DONOVAN THE THIRD! THERE IS A FINE PURPLE BICYCLE WAITING FOR YOU ON THE INTERNETS!”

I said, “cheers God, you big beardy bastard,” and had a look on Gumtree. Lo! There was indeed, sat there, waiting JUST FOR ME a fine purple bike, with 10 speeds out of 15 still working, a mere ten minutes away from me on a train, and an ever merer 40 quid!

“Shit,” I said, then apologised to anyone that might be there to hear, of which there was no one – it was just me and my X-men pants. Then I rang the number that was written on the web page next to the writing about the bicycle.

“Hello Akira The Don,” said a nice lady, or something like that anyway. “Come round my house and buy my bicycle right now, its great and you will be very glad you did, by the way, great debut LP, you really are quite the renaissance man aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I said. “I’ll be right over.”

And I was. Three stops on the free-train (overground trains have no barriers OR conductors in North London, it just about makes up for the lack of Oyster (spit) access between Stoke Newington railway station and Liverpool Street tube.) and I was wandering around Edmonton Green looking for this lady’s house. Edmonton Green is pretty fucking gully, it has to be said (yes, that was a necessary swear, you leave me alone, I am CREATIVE), but nobody killed me before I knocked on number 14, to be greeted by a perfect family of beaming Thai folks – one man, handsome, barefooted, golden, one lady, sparkly eyes straight out of an advert for joyfulness, one small monkey girl creature climbing the door frame. They looked very glad to see me indeed, and showed me the bike, which I rode, and I liked it a lot so I gave them £40 in cold hard CA$H, and then they talked to me, because I am interesting, and they laughed very hard at every joke I made, and they called their son to the door because they figured I could help him. “Our son has long hair like you,” said the man. “Some of his friends like it it, but some tease him and say he should cut it short like theirs.”

A small monkeychild appeared at the door. He had very exciting teeth and nice floppy black hair. He looked like he should have been running across a beach somewhere hot playing football with his monkey toes. He was fiddling shyly with an action figure.

“Look, this man has long hair AND tattoos,” said his mother. “He is cool.”

“Yes I am,” I agreed. “What is that toy there?”

The boy did not answer, and hid behind his mother, smiling. His sister climbed further up the doorframe, and whispered to her mother, “I like that man’s hair.”

“You are right to,” I winked, and turned my wise attentions to the boy. “Worry not about the opinions of fools,” I said. “You will be glad of that fine mane come the winter. And girls love a man with locks. Trust me, I am an expert.”

The perfect family laughed, a trickle of perfect family laughter, and asked me to join them for dinner. But I had to be away. I had Things to Achieve. So I bid them a good morrow, hopped on my new bike, and tore down their driveway like The Bat Out Of Hell, and managed to go a whole three blocks and a roundabout before falling off the thing and tearing a wet red hole in my left palm with a bit of pavement. That is probably because I am the living incarnation of some kind of mythical, joy bringing genius of some kind. BOOYA!

Oh, I invented a new genre of music today, I need a name for it. It combines rap and thrash and whistlepossemakesome house. And arpeggios. And DOOM. Answers on a postcard, usual address. I am off for a cycle now. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

— Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

Tuesday, May 29th, 2007


I guess I’m pretty lucky. I get lots of great letters. I have been meaning to do a letters page for a bit, but they are a bugger to edit. Soon though. Anyway. I got this one yesterday:

“Yeah it’s me again, Richard from Illinois aka RIVE. That guy that showed you the DEVO picture.

Anyway, I just watched your Stunners 130 music video of Smells Like Stunners, and you guys ripped off the head of the stuffed tiger then used it as a mask!

A few weeks back I drew a picture of a man wearing the head of a white tiger as a mask. I like to call him Byrant.

I got the idea from an actual mask I own with a hat that’s on top of it, and also from Buckethead after playing Guitar Hero II.

I have attached a few neat pictures including the original. What’s up with that? Seriously.”

Indeed. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS COINCIDENCE RICHARD! We are not alone. Remember the blanket. Etc.

I think all this stuff is really neat. There is so much of it, so often, I am amazed when people think its odd. It is NORMAL!

Doesn’t mean its not awesome. But still.

— Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

Sunday, May 27th, 2007

Billy X Sunday, an XXL blogger who’s hatred of Lil Wayne renders half of his posts unreadable, is sometimes a very fucking clever, and succinct communicator. Forsooth:

Hip-Hop music is so much more than just rap and some rap isn’t even really Hip-Hop. It’s just pop music designed to titillate the listener with ideas of sex without love, wealth without a work ethic, and actions without consequences. These are themes for children and idiots. They do a good job of keeping the average adult within a mentality of arrested development. They are unable to learn or develop skills that will provide them with the ability to progress through adulthood. This is what popular music does for its listener. The goal is ultimately to maintain the caste system which we all live under. The rich get richer and the poor, well you already know.

I still like Lil Wayne though.

People hate on Wayne because he is contradictory – humble then arrogant, ignorant then conscious, lucid then baffling… as if that weren’t true of anybody worth a hot got dang.

People hate on Wayne because he publicly kisses his father figure on the lips – as if it weren’t true that only a man fully assured of their sexuality could do such a thing in White Jesus’ America, in this foul year of Our Lord, AD 2007.

People hate on Wayne because he does things like fall in love with women who’ve had sex with other men – the main gripe about his on/off (recently back on) relationship with the rapper Trina is that she’s had sexual intercourse – or has been said to have had sexual intercourse – with a number of rappers, including Wayne’s mentor Baby.

On a new Wayne song just leaked (it’s called Prostitute Flange, hilariously, but only because of the effect that’s on his voice, and American folks’ lack of knowledge of British slang for vagina) dude sings (very badly) about how he wouldn’t care if Trina was a prostitute, and had fucked everybody in town, just as long as she keeps it real with him. People are going nuts. “Wayne your a lil bitch she a hoe you gettin playd”, as one net Stan puts it on the XXL board. This is a man who talks about how, before he was 20, he “must’ve fucked a thousand bitches and they girlfriends”. Which isn’t a rare boast in rap. But as observed by The Independent’s sex columnist Catherine Townsend yesterday, “for men, the only “honest” answer about [a woman’s] sexual history involves the phrase, “yes, you’re the biggest and best I’ve ever had”.

Wayne is a real ass man because he obviously doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks about him – his disregard for the traditional male nonsense is refreshing and should be applauded. A lot of that “pride, fuckin’ wit ya” isn’t even real, and was created by swine to keep us down, like wot Billy was saying about bad rap music. Maybe we can all learn something from Lil Wayne.

— Sunday, May 27th, 2007

Sunday, May 27th, 2007

Thanks Mister Mole for this:

Top 25 Censored Stories of 2007

#1 Future of Internet Debate Ignored by Media

#2 Halliburton Charged with Selling Nuclear Technologies to Iran

#3 Oceans of the World in Extreme Danger

#4 Hunger and Homelessness Increasing in the US

#5 High-Tech Genocide in Congo

#6 Federal Whistleblower Protection in Jeopardy

# 7 US Operatives Torture Detainees to Death in Afghanistan and Iraq

#9 The World Bank Funds Israel-Palestine Wall

#10 Expanded Air War in Iraq Kills More Civilians

#11 Dangers of Genetically Modified Food Confirmed

#12 Pentagon Plans to Build New Landmines

#13 New Evidence Establishes Dangers of Roundup

#14 Homeland Security Contracts KBR to Build Detention Centers in the US

#15 Chemical Industry is EPA’s Primary Research Partner

#16 Ecuador and Mexico Defy US on International Criminal Court

#17 Iraq Invasion Promotes OPEC Agenda

#18 Physicist Challenges Official 9-11 Story

#19 Destruction of Rainforests Worst Ever

#20 Bottled Water: A Global Environmental Problem

#21 Gold Mining Threatens Ancient Andean Glaciers

#22 $Billions in Homeland Security Spending Undisclosed

#23 US Oil Targets Kyoto in Europe

#24 Cheney’s Halliburton Stock Rose Over 3000 Percent Last Year

#25 US Military in Paraguay Threatens Region

Go here for a very in depth look at this nonsense, some of which even I (ho ho) was unaware of.

In other news, it seems The Bees are retaliating. The BBC reports, “almost 200 passengers found themselves stranded at Bournemouth Airport for 11 hours after their plane turned back after flying into a swarm of bees… the incident happened just two days after a swarm of 20,000 bees descended on Bournemouth Pier.”

Thanks Adam Fletcher for that one.

By the way! My boy Bashy was on Westwood last night…. cop the replay here.

— Sunday, May 27th, 2007