“Meanwhile, writes The Svenhunter, “Ben has told me that there are rocks you can boil, Icelandic rocks, which will make a kind of tea/soup which you can drink and then you hallucinate and you meet gruff trolls who will answer your queries about life etc.
I want in on this.”
I also want to visit these poles of ours. Not my Grandfather’s people, the cold places. Well, those people too. But the cold places seem more magickal. I am looking for more magick, these days.
Anyway, it was promised, so here we go.
It’s time! For! Your! Letters!
I haven’t come up with a title for this letter’s page yet. I figure, like they used to in Marvel comics, I’ll leave that to you. Email in your ideas, and the winner gets a picture of Jeres I drew on a beer mat in the pub the other week.
LETTER OF THE, er, WEEK
……………………………………Aberystwyth v Llangefni.
I for one did not misinterpret the poll, but I did click on “No way, spaz”.
If t’Interscope want you to have something like that, let them set up a corporate site for you a la Bubba Sparxxx and do it that way. t’Interscope may well be the label that pays you, but I visit your website daily (paraphrasing your lyrics, get me) because I enjoy reading your thoughts.
And, get this, we like to fool ourselves into thinking (whispers) you’re talking just to us. Alone. If you put up forums, then we’ll know you’re not just whispering into our shell-likes, but yodelling into the chasm of the Internet for any Thom Yorke, Richard B. Cheney or Harry Nilsson to hear.
Preserve our fragile illusions.
PS. That “FORSOOTH!” flying-dream post came exactly at the right time. I’d just had a bit of bad news, and whilst it did not cheer me up exactly, it made me feel that it was ok to cry about it for a little bit. See, bubba? That’s exactly what I’m talkin’ ’bout. I don’t want everyone knowing. That was meant for me. And you don’t even know why! Hell, I don’t even know why. Skygod at work, fool. Skygod at work.
PPS. The email subject has no bearing on the content, I just like to find inventive ways to pique your interest as you scroll down the litany of emails you get every day.
Who Jah Bless No Man Can Curse.
Jimbo “Boy Dangerfield” Anthony.
And, for now, Dr Jimbo Dangerfield, you shall have your wish, and there will be no messageboard full of bickering on akirathedon.com. You are right, you see – right now I am talking directly to you. I do not sit down and consider a huge mass of humankind when writing my gibberish. I am writing a letter to you. By the way, I am falling in love with Lindsey Lohan, as a result of listening to her records, which are heartbreaking, just so you know.
OK, now for some good news from our friend over the pond who was getting shit for, um, listening to me:
hey dude whats up me nothing well you coused me no grief for i like being diffrent from the juggalos and so called thugs and could care less its not my fault im afraid of clowns they freak me out well peace bro
the ninja you dont know yet
Rah, they still have Juggalos? Wow.
Is it right…
That all us weirdys have access to communicate with you? Maybe, maybe not. Hot shit nevertheless. In every way. Tatty bye bye. Looking forward to Barfly on the 18th by the way!
p.s atd 12 is the shit
Maybe maybe not is the correct answer.
dude, big ups on ATD12, it rocks. and in that new video of your little place there did i see some lotion next to some tissues? wots that about? ^_^ he, anyways, cheers n keep rockin
What is it with you people? Those were Pringles! Pringles! And so what if I have bog roll on my table! I have a cold! I shall have a cold for a great while now, actually, as the tree sperm has started invading my face. Stupid gayfever. I need to emigrate.
Hey, in ur next awesome mix tape can u put in touch it mega mix, what you know and temperature? I’m just wondering if you can make that happen.
Do I look like fucking Jimmy Saville?
Dear Dr Don
I am a big fan of yours, I have a picture of you by my bed, but my boyfreind says you look like Jimmy Saville with a moustache. I think you look like Vince Neil with a moustache. Do you like Bounty bars?
I do like Bounty Bars, yes. Thank you. Thank your boyfriend. That’s three times now. Too many for one lifetime. I must kill myself now.
hey akiar just downloaded atd10 and its the bomb alotta GRIME! ur more recent mixtappes are alot different!
I am evolving, like Creationist Theory. Or “intelligent design”. That’s what they call it. Funny fuckers.
You’ve got a typo on your mixtape cover. It says “Girmo” instead of Gitmo.
We’re all going to Girmo, Girmo.
Sigh. I suck.
YESSSS! so now I have your email… not that im going to do a lot with it other than email you occaisionally to say bloody top job! Twas clones late 1 night on radio 1 that led me to you. One day would like to shake your hand so I can tell my grand kids (when my kids heve em, when ive had my kids…) keep it up. Ill make it to see you before the year is out and bring as many converts as poss. Long live the cult of the DON All the best.
Tell your Grand kids to stay away from the yellow snow. And to listen to Wu-Tang every day.
new mixtape is beautifull. dj dropped gitmo! at the roxy last night felt good ont he dancefllor. is there any way of me getting hold of kick in the wonderwall as a single mp3 file?
There is a new version of that coming on the next one. And yeah there’ll be a single. Dude, it’s sick!
You have scared the bejeesus out of me. I will explain. I downloaded adt12 (It fucking kicks arse). Then look out of my north london window to see you cross the road. If I was a stalker I would be lazy fat bastard. Cheers for the tunes.
If ate food I would be lazy fat bastard too. It’s OK.
OK mr So-called Don, I am starting to understand you now
Oasis sample? Check. Blur? Check. ELASTICA?!
You know who you are Akira? You’re the English Puffy.
OI Akira. got some excellent proposition for you mate. probably very outlandish and ridiculously futile. BUT, nevertheless. here I am.
I am nick. you have been very kind enough to return my messages in the past. which is spectacular. It’s strange because when you’ve replied I kind of get a feeling not dissimilar to when a girl that I like replies to my messages, after I’ve been waiting a while. I’m just being honest.
SO urm. I am Nick John Henry of Leeds West Yorkshire, and am down on myspace as ‘rockroll/manjam’, great name I know. I am also deeply aware that you are probably a genius. its pretty well obvious. Be aware that I am probably one too. Also probably a comic genius as well.
LETS not beat around the bush. I think we should work together. not extensively. A week of writing, 2 weeks of relentless gigging. Nightly. Biblical Proportions. To be fair I have lots of friends in high places so if your worried about that. then. just don’t mate. its all dandy. I messaged you an entirely shorter and more condensed version of this earlier on myspace. but thought.
OH SHIT. I didn’t put a title/subject type jobby. Akira’s probably got a massively overflowing inbox and why will he pick out that blank-subject-faint-ghost of interest that I just sent him. Sure it would have been a hidden gem, but that chance of you mining it are slim. That’s when HEY I thought of this. Direct email with a, lets admit it, completely eye-catching and poetic subject. This cannot fail. Even if this inbox is exploding also. BOOM. Haha. A little inside joke there. Thought we could share that you know. Us being genius’ unall.
So Im thinking. Funk. Rock. Beats. Everything. I’ve already got jimmy Hendrix reincarnated. I just need modern Bob Dylan now. Then we’re set! Leeds will be on its knees mate!
Fuck it! The World Will!
Much Love Nick Henry, Fellow Genius.
Dear fellow genius
Thank you for your nice letter, it is always good to communicate with similarly amazing individuals. It is also good to make music with such folk. However, currently, I am in three bands, a solo project, I am producing a concept record, writing a television show, a new cartoon, I am designing a mask, some toys, a comic book, and a range of pyjamas. True storez. SO, as you can see, my cup overrunneth a little. But do send me noises to listen to, and don’t be angry with me for not ever doing anything straight away, as there are only so many hours in the day, and people keep emailing me saying they’re going to kill themselves. Check it out.
Dear Adam Jan Narkiewicz
Look, I can spell your real name, i bet most of your fans can’t, this is because I am serious, and I have loved your music since your first mixtape and your ep which had john the Baptist on it and the drinking song but I liked John the Baptist best because it was so honest and it still makes me cry sometimes, almost as much as the world, which is beating down on me like a big drum full of blood, you understand i know because you hear it too, bang bang! on your head, i know, i know.
look, I am 13 you see, and nonne of the people I go to school with care about the things we care about, they dont care about the future, they dont care about NOW, geneocide, they laugh at me when i bring it up in lessons. I read in an interview you said you used to fight in school every day, well I do too, every day, because I don’t keep my mouth shut when they tell me, and the teachers say it wouldn’t happen if I didn’t answer the other kids back, but why should I keep my mouth shit when I am only telling the truth?
But I am getting so tired you know, and I think maybe there is no point. Because by the time I am old enough to do anything, the ice caps will be gone and arnold swartschnegger will be president and we’ll all be in fucking camps anyway.
I wanted to thank you for the music, and for writing for me most days, and to say sorry for being weak.
So, yeah, I did have fights every day in school. Till I was, 14, 15? 15, probably. Then it chilled out a bit. Serious, it’s not like things are mad easier now. I mean, in some ways they are… but look, I wasn’t thinking about genocide when I was 13. I was thinking about girls and pop music. And occasionally killing myself. Real! But I didn’t, I lived, which is difficult sometimes, but anything worthwhile is, and now I get to do all this stuff I really wanted to when I was little, and I get to acquire vague wisdom, and communicate with folks, and every day that passes I see more fucked up nastiness, I find out more horrible things… but then again, it works the other way too. You know, the most beautiful thing in the world is indescribable. So too is the ugliest. That’s how it is. And always was! But son, yeah a gang of phycopaths stole the US presidency, yeah, some fake-Christian freak jacked us over here, yeah genocide is happening all over and most people don’t care… but stuff is still awesome. Right out my front door there’s a tree full of blossom. Out my window, little kids are playing football. They are very noisy, in their joy. I am listening to Ghostface, who grew up in poverty and now slings together seemingly random words and paints the most vivid, gloriful pictures.
I don’t know man, people can be mean, shit is fucked up. But dopeness abounds. And anyone who will say what they think is not weak. And that “drum full of blood” thing is wicked, and I might steal it. Apologies in advance.
I am not about to say that everything will be OK in the end. But I do know that a load of stuff will most definitely be fucking ace, at some point. And that’s fucking plenty, you know.
Any chance we could have more of your little brother’s poetry? I thought that last one was ace.
Yeah, Ali is wicked. You can read his moidering nonsense at thesvenhunter.blogspot.com. He draws monsters too. It is in the BLOOD.
u drunk song just plain stupied id give it a 8
I’m from Michigan, and I like your stuff too.
We’re hardcore over here, we have Eminem and Kid Rock. (Actually, just kidding. We’re softie midwesterners.)
When your CD comes out, are you going on an inter-fucking-national tour? Could you? And could you play in Michigan?
GO MICHIGAN! GO MICHIGAN! I LOVE YOU MICHIGAN!
Hi. My Name is Gavin Stone. A 5,8 , Very white, High schooler,16, Maryland Guy. I love your music, I love to listen to it. I remember when i first heard it i thought, “wow this guy is really good” because it was the first time i heard something new. It was the Flash video of L.I.T.F. . Later on i started downloading your music because i thought this guy can make it far. Because out of all the music artist i know of, You akira the don, are my Favoirte. Keep on Rocking. Because you are the best.
GO MARYLAND! GO MARYLAND! I LOVE YOU MARYLAND! Hmm, I am fickle.
Your mixtapes are ace and your blogs are cool – they help relieve the tedium of work for a precious few minutes each day. You need another mailbag issue soon.
I tried to put together a mix tape at the weekend but I quickly realised I had no idea what I was doing which was disappointing. I cobbled something together though and the results can be found here:
Critical response has been indifferent as zero people have downloaded it.
You should write some stuff on the bravecaptain messageboard, people love you on there.
I must work now.
Man, if I went on messageboards, how would I have time to answer email and write songs and eat pasta once in a while? Hmm? Think on!
Get off Myspace and back to making music Man.
Anyway, the new mixtape is kicking, big up. Yo man, you is a sick bastard… in a good way though.
Anyway im a teacher and im allways telling my south london kids to check out akirathedon.com cos that man is the bomb…some of em even have you on their ipods and stuff… teaching…more like spreding the good news…Akira is THE DON. Anyway off myspace and back to work pls? Atd13? mmm
See, that sort of thing causes me worry. What if I am wrong? Hitler thought he was right!
I joke. Course I am right, Teach away! ATD13 soon enough!
i missed that csi episode, i would have loved to see that i heard on the radio today that there is some kind of super rabit the size of a dog and as smart as a yeti terrorizing the english countryside. is that true? maybe i shouldnt believe every news report that comes on asfter a Disturbed song. or maybe it’s evolution.
Evolution? Lies! Lies invented by the devil to trick us into not believing that the Bible is LITERAL! Check it out!
Look prick, stop taking the piss out of creationists and mormons and scientologoists, who do you fucking think you are anyway, jesus or something? You are a mean person, Adam, and you will get your comeuppance, don’t you worry, the bigger they are, the harder they fall, and you, short arse, will fall like a sack of bricks from the top of that podium you’ve built for yourself, and I will stamp on your fucking head.
Have a nice day